I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Tell us if you found a gem or a piece of shit, and who peddled it

Moderator: Dux

Post Reply
User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Fri Mar 06, 2015 5:21 pm

I am going to lie to my wife and tell her I heard it was great. I'll tell her the truth once it starts. I need to sit in a theatre with low expectations and a bucket of popcorn, and this movie will deliver.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/com ... right-now/
Why are you not watching ‘Jupiter Ascending’ right now?

...My point is: This is in theaters, right now. This is not something I am making up. This is not some sort of fever dream that struck me and I have just now set down to paper. I did not eat bad anchovies and fall asleep on a law textbook and type out willy-nilly all the bad ideas that came to me. This is an actual multimillion-dollar blockbuster. It is exactly the level of bonkers that is so rare nowadays. It dares greatly. It fails greatly.

Good? No. Heck no. But great.

This is a space movie about tax code. This is a space movie with an enormous sequence at the DMV. It is no surprise that this came out in February, not summer, but the real question is: How did it manage to get here at all?
Don’t believe everything you think.

User avatar
syaigh
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 5678
Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:29 am
Location: Surrounded by short irrational people

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by syaigh » Fri Mar 06, 2015 6:17 pm

I was thinking about lying to my kids and telling them it was a sequel to guardians of the galaxy.
http://www.themarysue.com/review-jupite ... the-worst/
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Fri Mar 06, 2015 6:51 pm

Mission half accomplished. Made date with wife, she asked some questions along the line of what's it about and who's in it. I answered the second question truthfully and lied a little on the first. She still remembers me taking her to Cloud Atlas and is wary. And yet still a sucker.
Don’t believe everything you think.

TerryB
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 9697
Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:17 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by TerryB » Fri Mar 06, 2015 8:54 pm

I would like to go see it with you, nafod.
"Know that! & Know it deep you fucking loser!"

Image

User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Fri Mar 06, 2015 9:29 pm

T>1200 wrote:I would like to go see it with you, nafod.
I'm kind of worried maybe you are
Don’t believe everything you think.

User avatar
The Crawdaddy
Top
Posts: 1834
Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2011 7:51 pm
Location: Not punching holes in the ocean

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by The Crawdaddy » Sat Mar 07, 2015 1:47 am

nafod wrote:I am going to lie to my wife and tell her I heard it was great. I'll tell her the truth once it starts. I need to sit in a theatre with low expectations and a bucket of popcorn, and this movie will deliver.
you are my hero
Blaidd Drwg wrote:90% of the people lifting in gyms are doing it on "feel" and what they really "feel" like is being a lazy fuck.
"A good man always knows his limitations..." -- "Dirty" Harry Callahan

User avatar
Shafpocalypse Now
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 21108
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 11:26 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Shafpocalypse Now » Sat Mar 07, 2015 4:10 am

the cloud atlas comment was gold

User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Sat Mar 07, 2015 7:57 pm

It was magnificently sucktacular. At no time during the movie did I actually understand the plot. It involved paperwork, though. The directors told Channing Tatum to study the works of Keanu Reeves and then do less. His emoting made the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest look like Jim Carrey from The Mask. The guy who won the Oscar for best actor was in it, and he was better in this. Mila Kunis was hot, but could have been played by a blowup doll. Her character just got dragged from place to place. In an earlier scene, Sean Bean's daughter has a cough. I mean, she coughs once. Later, Bean sells out Tatum, something to do with her health. My wife and I were crying, like "can somebody make this bitch stop coughing already? I'll do anything. Even sell out my best friend."

After the first 2 minutes, my wife asked me, what kind of reviews did this get?

Ohh, mixed.

Fun date night.

User avatar
syaigh
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 5678
Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:29 am
Location: Surrounded by short irrational people

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by syaigh » Sat Mar 07, 2015 9:56 pm

This is excellent. I am definitely going to see it now.
Miss Piggy wrote:Never eat more than you can lift.

Protobuilder
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 5025
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:51 am

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Protobuilder » Sun Mar 08, 2015 6:27 am

This is the only movie I have ever actually wanted to see after reading what you people thought about it.
WildGorillaMan wrote:Enthusiasm combined with no skill whatsoever can sometimes carry the day.

User avatar
Grandpa's Spells
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 10838
Joined: Thu Jan 06, 2005 10:08 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Grandpa's Spells » Sun Mar 08, 2015 4:40 pm

The actual reviews of this movie are amazing. "This movie is terrible and I loved very minute. You have to see it."
One of the downsides of the Internet is that it allows like-minded people to form communities, and sometimes those communities are stupid.

User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Sun Mar 08, 2015 5:28 pm

Grandpa's Spells wrote:The actual reviews of this movie are amazing. "This movie is terrible and I loved very minute. You have to see it."
You'll especially love it. There is a completely unnecessary and unmemorable yet never-ending fight scene between Channing Tatum with his antigravity roller blades and a bunch of space aliens, but it takes place in the early dawn twilight of the Chicago skyline. Beautiful shots.

The scene of Sean Bean holding on to some sort of weird floating controls in his space fighter and yelling "We're going in!" for about the 50th time was worth the price of admission.

"We're still going *cough* in!"
Don’t believe everything you think.

User avatar
Kazuya Mishima
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 6276
Joined: Mon Nov 20, 2006 10:11 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Kazuya Mishima » Mon Mar 09, 2015 12:57 pm

The Wachowski siblings peaked with the first installment of The Matrix (which was brilliant), but it's just been pretentious horseshit ever since. I give them credit for attempting to elevate onscreen sci-fi beyond laser pistols, mech suits, and warp engines, but holy shit they just fail HARD.

User avatar
buckethead
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 6631
Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 6:25 pm
Location: The Rockies

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by buckethead » Mon Mar 09, 2015 3:07 pm

Is this the one about early onset Alzheimer's?

User avatar
Grandpa's Spells
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 10838
Joined: Thu Jan 06, 2005 10:08 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Grandpa's Spells » Mon Mar 09, 2015 3:49 pm

Kazuya Mishima wrote:The Wachowski siblings peaked with the first installment of The Matrix (which was brilliant), but it's just been pretentious horseshit ever since. I give them credit for attempting to elevate onscreen sci-fi beyond laser pistols, mech suits, and warp engines, but holy shit they just fail HARD.
It's weird. The first and second were both super innovative in different ways. The third sucked, but the third of everything always sucks.

I think this is one of the more fun things I've ever seen in a movie theater
One of the downsides of the Internet is that it allows like-minded people to form communities, and sometimes those communities are stupid.

TerryB
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 9697
Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:17 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by TerryB » Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:24 pm

I waited by my phone for hours, hoping for your call, nafod.

I would've gone with you and your "wife."

I don't mind.

We're still together in my mind.
"Know that! & Know it deep you fucking loser!"

Image

Protobuilder
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 5025
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:51 am

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Protobuilder » Tue Mar 10, 2015 7:16 am

Kazuya Mishima wrote:The Wachowski siblings peaked with the first installment of The Matrix (which was brilliant), but it's just been pretentious horseshit ever since. I give them credit for attempting to elevate onscreen sci-fi beyond laser pistols, mech suits, and warp engines, but holy shit they just fail HARD.
1996 Bound
1999 The Matrix
2003 The Matrix Reloaded
2003 Enter the Matrix
2003 The Matrix Revolutions
2005 The Matrix Online (Video Game)
2005 The Matrix: Path of Neo (Video Game)
2008 Speed Racer
2012 Cloud Atlas
2015 Sense8 (TV Series) (2 episodes)
2015 Jupiter Ascending

I don't think that is so much a peak as an inexplicable early success, perhaps even veering into one-hit wonder category.

WildGorillaMan wrote:Enthusiasm combined with no skill whatsoever can sometimes carry the day.

TerryB
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 9697
Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:17 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by TerryB » Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:16 pm

That is a fine analysis, Phaedrus.

Why can't more people be like Phaedrus?

Instead it's just stupid one-liners and British TV reviews.
"Know that! & Know it deep you fucking loser!"

Image

User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Wed Mar 18, 2015 12:40 am

T>1200 wrote:That is a fine analysis, Phaedrus.

Why can't more people be like Phaedrus?

Instead it's just stupid one-liners and British TV reviews.
Heh

Good one, old chap

Protobuilder
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 5025
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:51 am

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Protobuilder » Wed Mar 18, 2015 5:32 am

Elevating the discourse, m8.

Anybody posted a new dog thread yet this week?
WildGorillaMan wrote:Enthusiasm combined with no skill whatsoever can sometimes carry the day.

User avatar
Grandpa's Spells
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 10838
Joined: Thu Jan 06, 2005 10:08 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by Grandpa's Spells » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:40 pm

So bad. SOOOOOoooo bad. Super fun movie to heckle at home. THREE HOURS WHY

Edits so stupid. Scene: Space ship is moving through space. A guy is in water. Cut scene.

Dialogue at home: "So he's in a space ship... and it's bath time?"
One of the downsides of the Internet is that it allows like-minded people to form communities, and sometimes those communities are stupid.

TerryB
Sergeant Commanding
Posts: 9697
Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:17 pm

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by TerryB » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:23 pm

It's about man's birth, you idiot.
"Know that! & Know it deep you fucking loser!"

Image

User avatar
nafod
Lifetime IGer
Posts: 11484
Joined: Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:01 pm
Location: Looking in your window

Re: I am going to see Jupiter Ascending

Post by nafod » Mon Jun 08, 2015 7:02 pm

E2>200 wrote:It's about man's birth, you idiot.
That's what I yelled out at Mila Kunis' character during the movie. People applauded.
Don’t believe everything you think.

Post Reply