Thud
thanks so much for your concern. i know so many things to help myself to bring myself into the body. i started taking tranquilizers again. i have to stop with the long emails. here is an example of what i do when i am want to get into the body. i will do it now as i type.
feel the contact of my feet on the floor. i notice there is more pressure on the outer right side of the right foot
i straighten up my chest.
i just took a deep breath and another one.
i stopped typing and put my hands in my lap and my gaze of my eyes which was looking so down to the bottom of this iMac screen which is on a 2 inch book is now on the horizon.
i am obviousl not typing while i do that but type now
and don't look at the keys. i learned to touch type in hi school and don't need to look at the keys
long pause is all this happening or am i going crazy. my head is on the horizon
deep breath.
i am not going to keep typing forever with this process. i am a lot calmer believe me. i know this stuff inside out and have taught it.
i have to remember to use it. thanks so much Thud for reminding me
i appreciate it. maybe i can help you some day. i owe you i really do
i try to help you guys. i learned so much the hard way. i try to spare you with my experience knowing you will still have to learn the hard way
it's over with my wife. i have to get a restraining order against her and my son
i'm better off dead. this situation with her is so ugly. i have never been able to even try to kill myself. i came really close
not long ago. it was a miracle i didn't
i hate this situation with her and the gaza war simultaneously. maybe the gaza war drove my wife crazy. it's over with my wife. i got burnt too badly with women. i always lose. i don't want another one.
just having sex hurts too much without feeling of love for the woman. i'm a freak of sorts. sex without love is painful. i didn't love my college live in girlfriend of four years. i'd cry her name when i came. she thought i loved her. i was crying i wish i did. i'm glad she dumped me. if i could do it again after about 3months of living together she declared she was going to paris. i begged her to stay. i don't beg women. only once which was that time.
if i get another chance. and according to ouspenksi a so called spiritual teacher , another fraud, even those frauds who can really fuck you over and destroy you and it;s mainly to the women they physically fuck in the name of spiritual development (bullshit it's just to get their lust fulfilled) and then
the women have to pick up the pieces since they are now romantically involved with the guru they worshipped as a means to higher consciousness
it's even worse than an affair with a married man. believe me i know what it's like to get burnt really badly in one of these bullshit games that offered higher consciousness, closeness to God, etc.. i was burnt at least 6 times and was about to get burnt again with another version of orthodox version. i see it now as another game. i'm supposed to believe the Jews have an everlasting covenant with God. tell that to the survivors of the Holocaust. to me it's just bullshit. who wants to look at what life can do to you. i wonder will there be an alarm for a missile attack as i write this. i don't believe in God.
face it we don't have infinite neuronal cells, connections of the axons and dendrites, myelin sheaths etc and that's just a small part of the brain.
however complex our body-minds are cause it's all one really and how do you separate the individual from society, gravity all the forces of nature.
according to quantum theory which is just random probability how do we get to fixed laws of nature. who is willing to take a bet that jumping off the empire state building might not bring a giant smash at the bottom? maybe the laws of gravity change. but tell me when recently. quantum theory is supposedly the most correct theory of physics. tell me how do we go from random probability on that level to even the level of what looks to be so far fixed chemical reactions. how many scientists even think or wonder about this? i do once in a while. our brains maybe will figure it out. there are physicists who think they can know it all. i think they're egomaniacs and should get a sense of humility. like Jim Morrison of the Doors sang
No one here get out alive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0tH9YD ... oors-Topic
they were the only group i didn't hear in concert. believe me i was so lucky to have experienced who i did. the Grateful Dead in one of the most mind blowing concerts. 1500 of us up on the benches at the bandstand in central park in manhattan on may 5,1968 dancing our hearts out. i had never taken any drugs. it was a total surprise i had heard them two days earlier at Columbia. they sucked. their only record was mediocre at best. some friends from the dorm said you want to go to hear the Jefferson airplane and Paul butterfield and the Dead for free. what did i have to lose. we had already closed down the campus with a strike. school was over. why not. there were maybe 8-10,000 people in the audience smoking dope yet and the cops who had beat the shit out of so many of us did nothing. (Columbia students were walking around with head bandages on) why should the cops risk a riot. With 10,000 in the audience. the first two groups didn't impress me. maybe 1500 were left by the time the Dead came on. my friends stayed so i did .
The first few numbers were the same boring shit I had heard or variations. all of a sudden guitarist Jerry Garcia starts playing something that sounds like something from Donovan Leitch. you guys probably never heard of him. he was a scottish folk singer with some radio hits. but Jerry is going crazy on the guitar. it blew my mind i felt ecstacy and freedom which i never knew existed. how was i supposed to forget. i tried. it was buried for so many years but it always comes back sooner or later what i thought was 45 minutes i now realize was maybe 8. i tried for probably 30 years on and off to get a recording. maybe somebody in the audience taped it and it's in a garage some place. the band apparently didn't. here is the closest to the energy of that day i ever found. it may sound like shit to you guys but if i really listen it is so fantastic.
is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jEaqDF ... idinurmind
i think until 3:15 it sounds like shit but is incredible after because it has the same energy of us dancing on the benches. we thought it would last forever. you're not young forever. like my mother said if you live long enough you get old. i'm old but my spirit doesn't feel old a lot of times but i feel like i'm about 50 zillion and laugh
a survival mechanism from childhood to get me out of cognitive dissonance. this can't be happening but it is.
there are more CDs, movies, youtube vids of those days than i could have believed would ever exist. nothing is like being there. at least i heard Hendrix 3 times. i wrote that about 20 times. i listen to him a lot. there were years i didn't and he meant nothing. he means a lot now. he gave so much
i didn't realize things end. Jimi died in 1970 at the age of 28. a coroner who looked at the autopsy report said he had the body of a 50 year old. he did a lot of damage with drugs , cigarettes, alcohol, women horrible management and us kids who took so much from him. he didn't want to play the same old songs but felt he had to. i thought he should play with miles davis the great jazz trumpeter who he was supposed to. it didn't happen.
we sucked the life out of Jimi. like George Harrison once said we gave our nervous systems to everybody. the beatles got the fame and the money but boy is there a cost i'm glad i was not in that business. Charles Barkley who is in the NBA hall of fame said being an nba superstar isn't what it's cracked up to be. at the end of the day it's about your friends and family. i am losing this one. i don't want my daughter destroyed in this crazy war with my wife. she has suffered so much in her 32 years believe me. almost died of cancer at 12. now a most probably permanent depression that leaves her unable to work a beautiful girl who is kind and giving and so smart. i am crying. maybe you don’t know what life can do. i hope mine ends in a missile strike before i send this off but it probably wont.
i have to live and figure out what to do next. it's 1:47 AM maybe I slept 4 hours.
i have to get a restraining order against my wife and probably my 28 year old son who my wife will send after me I guess. there are 2 law firms i contacted. it's eating me up. but that's life. i can deal with it. i hope. i will try to get calm and ask what are the range of prices (I probably will have to pay the max) and try to find out which law firm will fuck me over the least. maybe they're honest. some people in business are such saints. i've run into some recently. i offer them more money and they refuse. can you believe it. Thud do your best. thanks man.
I am editing this but don’t have the energy to put it back in proper order.
all the phony gurus have something to teach. according to ouspenski we have to relive this life over and over until we get it right whatever that means. if there is a next time. i tell my college live in girlfriend. i pack your bags this second. here is plane ticket money. i call a cab when i'm done packing. here's money for a hotel. get the fuck out of here now. i won't hit her. there was another woman with the same last name i could have started up with when i was with her. it wouldn't have been hard to get someone else in those years. maybe this was for the best. who knows. will i get another life. i don't believe in that shit. but occasionally i remember. when she says i'm going to paris i rehearse this scenario. “I don't need you.” it's hysterically funny now i felt my heart was torn out of my chest i was so broken up over HER? It’s such a joke. i'm really laughing now. i lived long enough to see it all so differently
Thud let me know of all the stuff i put up what you might want to know. i can't promise because once i promise i have to at least try and keep my promise and i realize sometimes i can get into horrible trouble if I do so. Thud thanks again for caring for a guy you don't know. I'm not artificial intelligence bullshitting you. Unfortunately I’m really idiot lenny.
Thud take care of yourself, love the people in your life the best you can
my best friends are dead. it hurts so badly. i was too young to know these guys from the dorm in1967 were going to mean so much 56 years later. i talk to Yiorgos from Athens today from the dorm. he's 75. his son in manhattan is dying from complications of AIDS medication. Yiorgos is going to visit him in a few days and is so sick himself. at least i train physically. believe me i look like a nightmare. where is the kid's mother. Yiorgos says nobody knows. she's from greece. nobody knows. what kind of world is this? there are beautiful people. i don't say i'm one. but i try to help if i can. so i try to help you guys
Over and out
The fat lady probably won’t sing for me in the next few minutes but I sure wish she would. I ought to finish the rest of the Dead from that vid.