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Why I despise Hurt Locker
August 14, 2010 at 1:58am
I have seen a lot of movies that aggravated the living fuck out of me. Hurt Locker takes the cake. People say "oh Nate, it's just a movie." Yeah, well it's a supposedly realistic movie about a big chunk of my life. And it makes a mockery of every aspect of my experience out there. We soldiers make enough real-life mistakes, we don't need the media making us do extra dumb shit in movies. For those people who don't appreciate my standard response of "EOD sucks and so does the movie," Here is a more comprehensive bullit list of why this movie blows chunks.
 
1. I've seen a crapload of ordinance get disposed of. Never saw a bomb suit. Robots get used for almost everything, and if the robot breaks, they send another ROBOT.
2. EOD are pogs attached to someone else, not super duper delta force rolling around in a 3 man team like a bunch of fucktards. They won't even leave the wire without a tank escort that would make Lindsy Lohan jealous.
3. Iraqis don't stare at us in the middle of a firefight/EOD mission, because they don't want to get fucked with.
4. The dude with the cell phone that detonated the IED would have gotten shot.
5. Iraqi with the camera videotaping the IED would have been arrested if not shot.
6. Soldier would never be sent into another uncleared building, alone, just to take position on the rooftop.
7. He would not then STAND on aforementioned rooftop like a fucktard in the middle of the city.
8. When taking sniper fire, turret guns on the vehicle would rake the building while a squad goes to hit the building, not whatever travesty those twats in the movie committed.
9. Those Iraqis in the city would not have been allowed to get away from the bomb-site. We do a swipe test to check for handling of explosives on their hands.
10. Same for the camera guy.
11. When taking fire at the IED site in the middle of the city, they would get behind trucks and shoot around, not STAND in the middle of the street like twats.
12. Iraqi kids call us "mista," not "nigga." Funny, but no.
13. Iraqi kids don't run alongside our vehicles and throw rocks. We would take a warning shot, or at the very least throw a piss bottle.
14. That fucking vehicle that ran the perimeter during the firefight while those twatfucks screamed? Wouldn't happen. They would have smoked his ass right off the bat.
15. Hero with the 9mm? He would DEFINITELY have shot him, not let him almost ram his ass then try to take his weapon. Gay Gay GAY.
16. The EOD team would not be driving alone in the middle of the desert for no reason.
17. They would be in constant radio contact with British security forces, not surprised by their appearance in the desert.
18. The kakhi clothing and sand scarves should have immediately tipped these twats off that they were a security team. It's the universal fucking security team uniform.
19. Hearing the perfect English accent and western vehicles would have definitely tipped them off, even if they were too stupid to ignore radio contact and instant uniform recognition. They would not have then proceeded to jack their weapons.
20. They would not send one man in front of a group of possible "hostiles" to search the one person who had dropped his weapon, when the rest of the group obviously did NOT drop their weapons. That is fucking painfully retarded.
21. He would not proceed to frontally search a man without a second member of his useless team pulling security on the man being searched.
22. When the entire EOD and British security forces took initial fire, they would run and take cover, firing from the berm, or at least hit the ground, hell even fucking KNEEL, not STAND in place (notice a pattern?) shooting at a target of unknown distance.
23. Guy on .50 cal had no control over his rate of fire. How the fuck do you run out of a belt fed machine gun and act surprised? You can SEE THE AMMO! Where the hell were the extra cans?
24. If you're getting sniped at in the turret, why are you STANDING? There's slots in a real gun turret, you can crouch and still see. Gay.
25. What the fuck was EOD even doing countersniping? So I guess a several week course in long-range sniping, or even rudimentary training in the use of a Barret is completely unnecessary? Right. Watching EOD try to work a .50 sniper rifle would be like watching a monkey try to hump a football.
26. Why the hell would you counter-snipe from the exact same spot where they just shot somebody? That means they already have windage and elevation on you, and you are not only playing catchup, but don't even know where they are yet !
27. In real life they would pin down the bunker with suppressive fire, flank it, and grenade the living shit out of it. Standard battle drill.
28. Blood would not jam a magazine. We oil our ammo, and plastic mags almost never jam.
29. Why didn't dumbfuck clean the mag himself instead of taking even more time to have the crybaby bitch clean his shit? He ended up having to do it anyway! Twat...
30. I find it funny that of all the places they could have been attacked from, it never occurred to them to open fire on the ONE SINGLE STRUCTURE in the MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN DESERT right off the bat. Wow, there's a shocker. .50 Cal should have been aimed on that to begin with.
31. Speaking of which, if they were stopped in the desert, where the fuck was their perimeter?
32. They made the Brits look like pussies. Brits are not pussies. EOD are pussies.
33. Nobody would ever pack capri suns. Those drinks would get way too hot and they don't hydrate you. Desert 101 douches.
34. They never checked the bodies of the snipers. And how do they know there are no more snipers? They didn't even look. They just went "Yup, we got'em boys. The dramatic music is playing, so that must be it."
35. Iraqis don't daisy-chain bombs in the city like a big wad, presumably just to blow up one guy. They string them along to take out multiple vehicles and get the most bang for their buck, not bunch them all up in one area.
36. They would have shot the suicide bomber, not talked to him. That's gay.
37. "Suicide bomber" would have had a secondary triggerman to detonate him when the soldiers approached, not play a "battle of wits" bullshit game.
38. EOD, gay as they are, would not all three get drunk, then walk outside like a bunch of fucknuts. That's retarded.
39. When fucknut goes out alone at night with his small 3-man wonder team, he splits up the already too-small team to look for the bomber? In the city? 3 men alone? Fucking retarded. Then he acts surprised when his dude gets sprayed up.
40. Not done beating the above point's logic yet. Have you really thought how stupid the idea of finding one Arab man in a city of Arabs sounds? Sure, let's go to Chinatown and fully expect to find Chow Hung. Just by running in there.
41. He would get fucking kicked out for leaving base like that. Dishonorable discharge, douche.
42. When hero boy goes alone into the house, there is no way. In Hell. That a muslim woman in Iraq would EVER throw chai in a man's face. Wouldn't happen. Fucking never. Hospitality is ridiculous out there. I've been served tea in a house I just raided after we arrested their husband and blew the door off the hinges. That's just how it is. Way to show blatant ignorance of the one shitty thing their culture takes seriously. Douche.
43. Infantry are not scared bunnies, waiting for the Godawful EOD. In real life, they take up to 18 hours to blow up a fucking paperbag instead of just shoot it. They are usually fat, and they are pussies. See above.
44. Speaking of exploding bags, that dude would never have been killed by one. We do 5's 10's, and 25's before we dismount or anytime we stop. That would have been noticed immediately.
45. Man, especially a new guy (chaplain) would NEVER be left alone, because he's a fucking idiot. New guys are not left to their own devices out in sector to chat with the friendly locals and get blown up by paper bags.
46. A .50 cal hitting a dude at long range would take the guy's body apart, not make a pleasant hole. It makes a hole at close range due to lack of tissue resistance, but even then the velocity will take the guy's guts ten feet out the back.
47. There is no way they would just execute an Iraqi on the street while the brass are watching. Too many witnesses. They'd just let the wounded guy bleed out while they took their time with medical attention. Way to make us look like unsubtle assholes. We are waaaay smoother with our war crimes than that.
48. M68 reflex sites do not have magnification, so why is he looking through it like it's a fucking scope?
49. Why is he walking around the flaming bombsite with his unaimed weapon looking through his binoculars, if there is a scope on his weapon? Douche.
50. No soldier would lose it in the shower with his helmet on. We soldiers hate our fucking helmets, even if we are crazy.
51. You would be courtmartialed for striking a superior, especially in sector. Wouldn't happen. Bitch-slap a higher ranking dude with ammo and PTSD? Yeah, see how that works for you.
52. Nobody would EVER knowingly remove comms out in sector.
53. We don't bury our pain in lockers. We bury it deep inside then snap on the smug bastard in the K-mart checkout line. A Hurt Locker is some pussy idea straight out of the decidedly less-than-manly mind of Dr. Phil.