IGX

As part of his contractual obligation to his new team, just-signed New England Patriots QB Tim Tebow renounced all allegiences to God, His son Jesus Christ, and the Southern Baptist religious faith, and pledged eternal loyalty to Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, as well as High Demonic Priest Bill Belichick, team sources confirmed today.

“All hail the Dark Lord Satan,” a smiling Tebow said, as he scrawled his name on a Patriots contract using a special pen with ink derived from the blood of slaughtered infants. “To tell you the truth, I was a little surprised to learn that New England could require me to devote my life to the service of evil. But as Coach Belichick explained to me, it’s just something they call the ‘Patriot Way.’ And I really, really wanted to get back into the NFL. So, if it takes an offer of my eternal soul to the Antichrist, so be it.”

“It’s pretty standard boilerplate language in all our contracts,” explained a red-cloaked Belichick, as blood from the pig’s heart he’d just devoured oozed down his chin. “Every free agent that signs with the team must commit to a certain number of off-season workouts, agree to a strict practice and meeting schedule, vow to devote their life to the service of Satan as an unholy minion, and comply with normal state and federal tax withholdings. The usual small print.”