IGX

you guys are still here. i probably will not read your responses. to say i'm a fuckin mess and very lucky to be alive is an understatement. You can read all about it.

Idiot lenny is still here with a virus of probably 2 months. Cut to the chase. Why God still keeps me around. I have zero idea. For example, stupidly I walk up 180 yards from my place with the special sealed room. Usually I meditate there cross legged. One day I sit on a bench listening to guess who. Lenny Bruce.

Right now I am shaking because I can not believe I am still alive. I try not to read the news but I do sometimes which makes me crazy. I am in a manic phase and have stayed up at times for almost 2 days. I know this is terrible. I am not a teenager on cocaine who thinks he is God and can do anything but still stupidly I have done it, although I have taken tranquilizers and even psychiatric medicine recently despite the fact I don’t believe it will work.

To make matters worse I am a multiple personality. I was told 6 years ago by the only guy who ever helped me emotionally I am not going out of my mind when a few started emerging that I am going into my mind. I have seen over 25 shrinks, trauma therapists you name it including one trauma therapist who said it was an honor to watch me work who taught me a technique that he admitted he couldn’t have used the way I did to get my secret bank code while waiting 20 minutes calmly on an overseas phone call. He said he would have been nervous. What does that say about this whole profession that I believe if the human race survives in a few hundred years will like at this the way we look at blood letting.

Back to the story of listening to Lenny Bruce. I hear an extremely loud warning siren and I start sprinting and then hear explosions. Now I know this is the real deal and I am terrified. As much as I say I am not afraid to die (it’s true when I get really calm) in this situation I am running literally for my life. I have not cardio of any kind in probably 2.5 months. I have training logs and won’t check it. I have done probably 2 times per week weight training because I need it for my mental health.

I know that I risk a heart attack if I sprint but I have no choice. I almost trip but don’t where I probably break something and won’t be able to get back up. If I have a heart attack the ambulance ain’t comin to get me before I die and hopefully that is very fast but maybe not. If it does get to me, the hospitals are too filled up with wounded soldiers, trauma victims to do anything with me but probably leave me outside where hopefully I will drop dead fast.

I see a mentally ill smoker, overweight 60 something guy slowly trudging back to his place. I somehow keep racing until I probably have about 40 yards to my place. I know I have 90 seconds warning to get into that special room and the siren and the explosions are still going. I have no idea how much time has elapsed - probably 20 seconds maximum but I don’t set a timer to check. Those last 30 yards include a slight uphill thru the parking lot. I can no longer run. I drag my miserable ass to the elevator and I know I can not walk up the 3 flights of stairs that I can usually take 2 at a time. I wonder if the electricity will be shut off and I will be stuck in the elevator but I got no choice.

Take said elevator and now the siren has stopped so I know 90 seconds has elapsed and I fumble to get my key into the door I am so fucked up and terrified. Somehow I get into that special room and close the door and find my heart rate monitor and put it on and my heart rate is not very high but it is in what is called zone 2 by a bunch of people. For all my breathing exercises, meditations etc. I can not bring it down even when I can leave that room after 10 minutes and do another 15 or 20 minutes of breathing exercises.
Forgot to mention what happens for people who can not get to a public shelter which actually was maybe 15 yards away in a supermarket I shop in. My cousin has to run down 3 flights of stairs in an apartment building and spend the ten minutes with God knows who multiple times a day. Does that sound like fun?

For people who can’t get to any shelter they are supposed to lie on the ground on their stomach with their hands covering their head for ten minutes. For those my age, almost no one trains any kind of training except walking, I doubt they’d be able to get up without help and would have back, neck shoulder, pain for months. I know what happens to people our age who don’t train.

What does this have to do with multiple personality. I have maybe 6 personas (inner personalities with different ways of speaking, move differently, speaking voices (not all that different but someone who is trained can tell the differences) - I do the cardio, the weight training, studying mysticism etc. They have been very nice and helpful and I try to teach them meditation, mysticism etc. so I don’t believe that Jung was correct in his following assessment but it turns out he was. I will tell you why later in what is becoming a way too long update. I don’t know if my krav maga teacher is alive. I sure hope he is.


Here is Carl Jung the famous psychiatrist’s take on inner personalities and the unconscious by personifying them. I studied this in a special grad school for psychology for my MA. This is from his book entitled Memories, Dreams and Reflections which his family had censored parts of.


Here is the exact quote
The essential thing is to differentiate oneself from these unconscious contents (of the personality) by personifying them and at the same time to bring them into relationship with consciousness. This is the technique for stripping them of their power. It is not to difficult to personify them as they always possess a certain degree of autonomy, a separate identity of their own. Their autonomy is a most uncomfortable thing to reconcile oneself to, and yet the very fact that the unconscious presents itself that way gives us the best means of handling it.

What does one persona get me to do? He says write the following email to a guy I know from the dorm at Columbia since 1967 who has been a jerk asking me over and over the same fuckin stupid questions that I am sick of. I have already sent him a 6 page email detailing why I can’t answer his questions and that I will block him and it goes to spam and idiot lenny still reads his his email after I promised myself I wouldn’t

Here is the email to said person who is not my friend and has never thanked me for any music or the 150 single 45 RPMs if you know what those are from the 60s I sent him for his jukebox in probably 1975. Second wife who I think he is a slave to demands get rid of said jukebox and all the singles. He writes he is very unhappy about it but she rules the roost after his kidney transplant. She has saved him enough to drive him around etc..
Finally the email which I spent about 15 minutes trying to find and couldn’t. I even have violated once again my rule of 15 minutes and take a break which I will now do. Break of ten seconds. I check another computer and another hard drive and still can’t find it.

One very nice helpful inner personality while in the sealed room after sprinting all those yards says write that guy an email to get him off your back. It goes something like this.

Subject line Sitting in the special protective room after sprinting like a maniac
Wow
Explosion


That’s the end of the email. I didn’t tell you guys it won’t protect against poison gas and my gas mask is woefully out of date and protects against nothing. I am hoping this will end all his emails but it doesn’t and idiot lenny still responds like an idiot that he is by violating his rule of not checking spam which he did again and said person who want off my back still sends emails after I wrote I will only send you music.

I am now sweating and shaking and quite physically ill and stupidly writing.

To make a very long story short. This nice inner personality gets me one night into a game of chicken. I think you guys know what that is. Who backs down first in a game where someone could die. He pretends not to know where he is, who he is etc.which has happened to me in the past and put me in the psyche ward for 3 days where I slept it off and received zero treatment of any kind in 1967 but I have learned usually how to deal with it so I can actually drive a car in this state believe it or not.

I assume it’s my fault this inner personality who actually is part of my past and has experienced this in 1967. I have read this is possible. Maybe I will post a paper I sent on this subject to somebody on this website.

I have learned to shut off my mind and go silent. This inner personality knows because I demonstrate that I can block him while I get silent and he is left alone and then I re-emerge while he disappears and then go silent and block said inner personality and I could potentially beat the shit out of someone if I get in a few punches or kicks in 10-20 seconds when I re-emerge and he disappears. Initially I can disappear for a few seconds, but I probably get up to maybe 30 or 40 seconds because I am manic and crazy.

He also knows that maybe I will disappear in a real life situation and he will end up in a locked mental ward where I will reappear (he will be forced to disappear) and I attack someone and then disappear (believe me this could really happen) and he will become broken physically. The other option is I do something similar and jail happens and one of us, probably him since I will disappear maybe is lucky if he is only raped up the ass once.

What happens. Idiot lenny is clueless. This inner personality at times is left alone while I disappear and he starts screaming
GET ME OUT OF THIS because he knows this could really happen. You probably all think this is my delusional fantasy. It is not. I am willing to go all night and I am not going to describe how this scenario is very likely to unfold in reality which it could in a few hours.

Finally another inner personality appears and starts screaming at him STOP AND I AM COUNTING TO 3 AND YOU BETTER QUIT. What happens? This inner personality who has been so helpful won’t stop and it is probably about dawn. Finally after a few times of this madness of me disappearing while he screams GET ME OUT OF THIS said inner personality admits he knows exactly what is going on and is just trying to fuck me up and land me or him in a locked ward or jail.

Today I realize all these 6 inner personalities in one or another is trying to destroy me. That’s why I am shaking. I have been unbelievably lucky over and over throughout this life. I could include extremely vicious emails I have written to people recently I would have never sent if there had not been this war and I had not gotten so crazy and hateful.

YESTERDAY
Idiot lenny gets really enraged enuf to stupidly decide to deadlift on no food. I found out after saying I will never lift from the official deadlift that this is the best for me where I don’t scrape my shins and my low back angle is good enuf. Idiot lenny wants to see can he get to a body weight deadlift after barely deadlifting in six weeks at a much higher height. And it’s in the special sealed room. I can not start from 145 pounds with 45 pound plates but need 15 kilogram (33 pounds) plates that are not the right size and must be placed on bricks. This is probably the 3rd time idiot lenny has tried to set this up and it is not easy but eventually idiot lenny gets it together to do so.

What happens. Idiot lenny actually will take videos and his made himself a coffee with maybe 6 or 7 tablespoons of Turkish strong coffee.

Lift number one is 81 pounds is super hard. It should be super easy.

Lift number 2 after drinking coca cola and eating an energy bar is 92 pounds and easier.

Let’s just say the back angle is never any good but idiot lenny says fuck it and keeps going.

Why. Another inner personality who was super helpful I stupidly let back into my life and acts as the trainer.

To make a long story short. I get within 13 pounds of reaching a bodyweight deadlift which Dan John says a guy my age should have. He should know. He really is an expert. I have enormous respect for him.

Inner personality knows that I could wait even 15 minutes and attempt a bodyweight deadlift (by now my back angle on the concentric lifting phase is really good as well as the eccentric lowering phase until the bar passes my knees.) Idiot lenny really has zero energy to go on but is egged on by this inner personality you can do it.

I actually could have done a body weight deadlift but this inner personality says redo the same one that is 13 pounds short of bodyweight and I can barely move and I keep saying I know I can not do this while he says “Are you sure?” Idiot lenny is up for the challenge and stumbles around waits the 15 minutes (already once before he has walked up to the bar and quits because I know I can not lift anymore) but after 15 minutes and more and more coffee idiot lenny is still enraged and up for the challenge. I know should quit and this inner personality keeps egging me on. Finally stupidly I do lift it and lower it till it gets past my knees and drop the fuckin bar. I forgot to mention I had to move my hex bar (trap bar) around against the wall near the special steel window. Pull out a bunch of heavy boxes and stack them up against it along with bricks and a duffle bag just in case there is an explosion and I am in the sealed room with the special window so it won’t fall and break my skull or the floor. Believe me it could happen.

Tell me I am not one fuckin stupid idiot to keep going. At this point I know my lower back is getting worse and worse but I do Stuart McGill’s test to see if my back hasn’t gotten terrible by standing up and letting myself fall onto a chair with a rounded lower back and it doesn’t hurt.

I am still shaking at how fuck stupid I am to write this because maybe the irongarmx website no longer exists but who cares. Probably this email has taken over an hour.

I make the lift and find out this inner personality wants me to push me so I destroy my back. This one is completely gone but there are few more left who I am involved with including one female who I believe is for real and her goal is to get me into the locked ward or jail which is why I am shaking.

Let’s say idiot lenny now knows he better fuckin’ stop acting like a child and take some real responsibility or I will be lucky not to get very very fucked up. I better hurt somebody because this government I hate and would shoot the leadership if I could will never believe it was my fault. My mental health status is listed officially.

Did this happen? Yeah it really did. My krav maga teacher has not responded. I hope he is alive.

made himself a coffee with maybe 6 or 7 tablespoons of Turkish strong coffee. ..
Lift number 2 after drinking coca cola and eating an energy bar is 92 pounds and easier

Getting that jacked up and that angry isn't good for anyone. I know whereof I speak on this, if little else.

I agree. I don't want to be that fuckin stupid again although I probably will feel like it but now I know there are real consequences. i don't get saved forever

Lennies, so glad all 6 of you are still around.

Your story is utterly surreal. I couldn't imagine having a lack of confidence about a health system because wounded soldiers were being brought in and constant bombardments around your home. I wonder what sitting in a basement with my neighbours would be like too. What is life like around you? Do people still wake up for work and go to white collar jobs or is everyone sheltering in place?

Your back is probably being exacerbated by the stress you're living under more than anything. What was the bankcode trick?!

What an insane array of human experience IronGarm has relayed over the years.

I love learning about Jung. When people pass him off as a kook I always think 'he could have been the most correct out of all of the OG shrinks?' Had hopes of reading the Red Book but heard it's a very hard read so reconsidering.

Be well and train well.

Glad you’re still alive! Been thinking about you. Your mental health situation sounds tough! I’m sure I’d be stressed out too with combat going on in my town and country. Perhaps you can reach out to a friend, family member, or therapist for support? I’m sure other people are feeling stressed in your neighborhood too and could use a shoulder to lean on as well.

Keep checking in here, Lenny! Wishing peace for you and to the world