IGX

ab g-d wrote: I think was accused of pussyism for whining about getting sick after my 24 rounds of Cindy at 46 - and of course countless acts of traitorism for questioning orthodoxy, writing stuff for Performance Menu, and something about a cross post that started a long thread on an obscure training forum.

WildGorillaMan wrote:What an amazing coincidence! Two copies just came my way recently, one in softcopy, one in hardcover. I guess now I'll have to read it.

Dan Martin wrote:

WildGorillaMan wrote:What an amazing coincidence! Two copies just came my way recently, one in softcopy, one in hardcover. I guess now I'll have to read it.

Let me give you a synopsis. Do the three lifts, run and practice your sport.

WildGorillaMan wrote:

Dan Martin wrote:

WildGorillaMan wrote:What an amazing coincidence! Two copies just came my way recently, one in softcopy, one in hardcover. I guess now I'll have to read it.

Let me give you a synopsis. Do the three lifts, run and practice your sport.

Thanks Uncle Dan!

Couch Thread Dramatis Personae

Terms and Phrases


CrossFit
AKA @F, CF, XF, CultFit

Touted as an elite strength and conditioning system favoured by elite military and LEO teams, and the ultimate path to “elite fitness.” In fact, an unprogrammed mess derived from various training systems and stolen in large part from Jesse Wood, responsible for an alarming number of torn hands, shoulder injuries and rhabdo cases. Also the ultimate path to womanhood (for men) or manliness (for women).


Pukie
AKA “fucking stupidity”

A charming image of a clown puking onto the floor to symbolise the intensity a @F workout generates – i.e. it should fuck you up to the point that you puke. While puking is an occasional hazard when working hard, @F has elevated it into an actual goal for any workout. The irony of the mascot being a clown appears lost on all @F’ers.


Uncle Rhabdo
AKA “utter fucking stupidity”

An even more delightful image of a clown hooked up to a dialysis machine with his kidneys spilling from his guts. Rhabdo (short for rhadbomyolosis, the rapid breakdown of skeletal muscle leading to acute kidney failure) can be caused by extreme physical exertion, such as performing high-repetition sets of exercises such as GHD situps when the trainee is not accustomed to the workload. @F’s response to this danger was to print T-shirts with Uncle Rhabdo and to mock those who complain when they suffer from the condition (see Makimba Mimms)


Andro Friday
A digital monument, in pictorial form on this thread, of the stunning transformations achieved by @F – namely, the transformation of both men and women into androgynous and sexually-indistinct people.


750lbs Deadlift
An infamous quote in which Couch claimed @F could take someone from a 200lbs deadlift to a 500-750lbs deadlift in 2 years. A feat which has yet to be achieved or even approached. Despite being given opportunities to retract or amend his stance, Couch still clings stubbornly to his original ridiculous assertion.


Work Capacity across Broad Time and Modal Domains
@F’s stated definition of fitness and the aim of its programming. In reality a fairly meaningless phrase impossible to accurately quantify or measure. Given Glassman’s insistence on “observable, repeatable, measurable data” this fact is spectacularly ironic. The phrase has become a stock response for the message board masses to anything they fail to understand in terms of programming, progression or training in general.


RRG
(Risk Retention Group)

An RRG is an owner-controlled insurance company, typically only used by companies that cannot get conventional insurance (in @F’s case, because it has a tendency to fuck people up and because @F’s idea of a “certified” trainer is someone who can pay $1,000 and stay awake for at least part of one weekend). The @F RRG was funded following a bullying campaign by @F, and is now licensed in one state. Rumours that most of the cash has already been converted into gin to fuel the Couch remain unsubstantiated.


CrossFit Games, The
AKA Gaymes

A “fitness contest” designed to find the “fittest man and woman on the planet”, consisting of an unknown number of unknown events that can take up to 6 months to recover from. Compared by Tony Budding to the Olympics and by Couch to the Superbowl. In reality, comparable to the secret games the thick kids at school would invent when no-one else would let them play. Despite claims to be run at a loss, conservative estimates for the 2010 games predict an income well in excess of $1million, an amount that will keep Couch in gin and condoms for several weeks.


Black Box Summit, The
A seminar organised independently of @FHQ and featuring several leading @f experts including Robb Wolf, Greg Everett, OPT, Jeremy Thiel, Michael Rutherford, Nikki Violetti, Aimee Anaya. Attendees were treated to repeated outbursts from Dave Castro, including a verbal and physical assault on Greg Everett. Video of these outbursts apparently exists but has yet to be made public. The summit precipitated the recent de-affiliation of Wolf and Everett, a new wave of dissatisfaction on the @F forums, and saw this thread reach critical mass.


The Mothership

Couch
AKA Greg Glassman, Greg Assman

Cult Leader and Founding Father of @F. A gin-swilling adulterous pot-bellied midget with delusions of adequacy and a penchant for character assassination, spawning the phrase “Glassassination”. Claims a history in gymnastics and, as “the original @Fitter”, maintains an elite level of fitness that would shame every IGxer. Video evidence, however, is mysteriously absent.


Mrs Couch
AKA Lauren Glassman, Cooze

Fake-breasted cuckquean clinging desperately to Couch’s gin-stained but financially well-endowed coat-tails despite his flagrant alcohol-fuelled affairs with various cult vixens.


Tony Budding
AKA Bony Pudding

Media tsar (pronounced “tosser”), propaganda expert and leading sycophant. Usually found with camera in one hand and cock in the other, masturbating furiously while filming @f’ers asses; or with his tongue lodged firmly in Couch’s ass. Basically, he’s an ass and he likes ass, apparently of any gender.


Dave Castro
AKA Dave Castrato, Dave Asstro

Former SEAL and currently Director of Training, despite an obvious lack of training knowledge and experience. Owner of the Ranch (venue of the @F Gaymes) and therefore immune to censure despite an elite ability to alienate anyone with any real credibility associated with @F (see: Mark Rippetoe, Robb Wolf, Greg Everett, Black Box Summit).


Nicole Carroll

One of the original @F girls (now an Andro poster-girl). Introduced to @F by Tony Budding, quickly dumping him to fuck her way into her current position as Director of Programming despite an obvious lack of training knowledge and experience.




The Bit Players

Lisa Lugo
AKA Leesa

Couch’s current bit on the side after she traded in her hubby, ex-SEAL Eddie, for Couch’s magnificence. Eddie has been quiet of late, and hope remains that he’s simply tooling up and preparing for a raid on Prescott, AZ. Lisa, meanwhile, has converted her ample charms into an ample salary as an HQ employee. Well played.


Lynne Pitts
AKA Lynn Pitts if you really want to piss her off

@F forums moderator. Slightly less tolerant than Hitler. Enjoys her POWAH, presumably stroking herself off every time she locks a thread. At the current rate she must orgasm constantly.


Dale Saran
@F Legal person. A cunt.


Barry Cooper
Insufferable windbag and speed-typing champion. Prone to random outbursts of utter drivel – apropos of nothing – but holds the unshakable belief that his pontificating is somehow meaningful. Absent of late when his faith was shaken to the core by the threat of banning over the Wolf / Everett fiasco (ironically, when he was defending @f throughout the whole debacle). Possibly swinging by the neck from a bridge even now.


Darrell White
AKA Bingo

@F’s second-most-prolific windbag. While he falls behind Barry in sheer volume of output, he pips Barry to the post in terms of pomposity and arrogance. Far, far less important or interesting than he wishes he was.


Russel Burger
@F lackey and sycophant. Infiltrated a Gym Jones seminar in order to write a @F Journal article slagging it off, and used as a sock puppet at the Black Box Summit to snipe at the speakers. Probably still unable to sit down after having Castro and Pudding’s arms wedged so firmly up his anus at that weekend.


Allison NYC
AKA TitsNYC, ANYC, Barky

Large-breasted promiscuous whiny cunt whose love of posing semi-naked at any and every opportunity is her single redeeming feature. Hated by almost everyone she spends any time with. Topless shots are sadly lacking, thus diminishing her usefulness to this forum.


Brendan Gilliam
AKA B-Boi, VAGilliam

Current fuck-buddy of AllisonNYC, having ditched Shari Baby. Possibly the archetypal @Fitter – a shirtless, tattooed, faux-hawked, board-short-wearing, wallet-chained cunt. Looks a bit like Boy George at times, but obviously not as heterosexual.


Dirt Diva
AKA Dirtbox Diva

Completely psychopathic and self-absorbed ultra-running freak. Managed to avoid any real adult responsibility into her forties by trading her drug addiction for a tattoo and ultra-running addiction. Left her boyfriend “Karl the Calves” because he decided to shorten his training runs. Seriously. You read that right, she’s that fucking mental.


Shari Baby
The thinking man’s version of Dirt Diva. Significantly more attractive, but still self-obsessed and a bit of a slut (OK, a lot of a slut). Fell apart when B-Boi dumped her for TitsNYC, but thankfully chose narcissism over suicide and is now keen to flaunt her body and post inane rambles on the internet, thus providing light relief throughout this thread.



The Disaffected and Disenfranchised

Dan John
A well-respected strength and conditioning coach and national-level athlete, Dan John was associated with @F for several years until falling from Couch’s grace. His crime – that he posted articles on T-nation and failed to vigorously defend @f in a forum thread on that site. Apparently this constitutes cowardice and warrants a Glassassination. Also, has no squat. Sadly, Dan is too nice a person to sustain a sufficient level of hatred, but God saw fit to give him a brother to compensate for this singular failure. Bless you, John brothers.


Mark Twight
An accomplished alpinist, author and coach who runs a successful gym training actual athletes (and movie stars on occasion). Accused of stealing CF-copyright material and subsequently Glassassinated repeatedly, although Glassman’s crack legal team have yet to sue. Possibly the most consistently angry person in human history.


Josh Hillis
A young trainee who mistakenly commented on a Dragon Door forum post and was thoroughly annihilated by Couch, much like a dog savaging a kitten. Despite repeated attempts to apologise Couch simply bit deeper. Has the honour of coining the phrase “gangsta limp” to describe Couch’s inability to walk a straight line. Opinion remains divided as to whether the real cause is Couch’s legendary yet mysterious ring injury, a bout of polio, or simply a manifestation of his permanent inebriation.


Jim Cawley
Owner of Dynamax medicine balls and originator of the “10 components of fitness” which Couch stole. Despises the uses to which his products are put, and therefore vilified by the @F masses who use $100 medicine balls to check their squat depth or to bounce off walls.


Mark Rippetoe
A strength coach renowned for a no-nonsense approach to strength training, author of several excellent books, and long-time defender / supporter of @F. Recently driven away by Dave Castro’s endearing personality coupled with @F’s insistence that proper programming and periodization is inferior to doing random shit for time. One of a growing number of SME’s with the potential to change @F into something halfway useful that are being alienated by the mothership’s ineptitude.


Robb Wolf
@F’s former nutrition guru, owner of @F’s fourth affiliate, and a former powerlifter. Left the @F fold several years ago in a silent protest at Couch’s lies, but returned when begged by Glassman in 2008. Ostracized again and eventually de-affiliated following the Black Box Summit for his stance that optimal nutrition involves eating quality food, and that weighing and measuring cheeseburgers and Twinkies will fail to deliver outstanding athletic performance. Currently the subject of a concerted Glassassination, but making a stand and apparently willing to sue for libel / slander.


Greg Everett
An Olympic lifting coach and author, owner of a successful CrossFit affiliate, and staunch @F defender. That is, until the now-infamous Black Box Summit where his temerity in pointing out several form faults in @F “poster girls” earned him a physical assault from Dave Castro and subsequent de-affiliation. Sadly chose not to knock Dave’s teeth down his scrawny throat, and presumably will regret that restraint for the rest of his life.




Other Players

Makimba Mimms
A former Navy officer who developed rhabdo and was permanently disabled following a @F workout. Won $300,000 in a suit against the affiliate trainer which sadly did not list CrossFit Inc or Glassman as defendants (but which mentioned the word CrossFit dozens of times). @F’s response was to publically ridicule Mimms.


Freddie Camacho
One of the owners of CrossFit One World, a former HQ trainer, and all round nice guy. Resigned as an HQ trainer following the Black Box Summit, leading to his gym being black listed for certifications. Publically supports Wolf and appears to be testing the limits of HQ’s patience.


George Mounce
Banned from CrossFit forums for “Ethical and Integrity Violations” by posting a series of screenshots taken from the moderators forum, which exposes the contempt with which they treat the posters at @F. Well fucking played.


Bill Fox
AKA Ab-God

Owner of the killerest abs in history, starter of this thread, and sufferer of extreme exercise ADHD. Also the subject of a Glassassination and allegedly a self-hating anti-Semite. Quite old.


POD
Ex-@Fitting virgin (apparently on religious grounds, although that’s the excuse all ugly men make). Apparently has thick skin given the regular abuse he receives on this forum. Now tolerated in the same way as the spastic kid is tolerated at school; he’s a convenient target for empty beer cans. A pertinent example to the current influx of @F refugees as to the level of shit they can expect to take on IGX.


PL54
Apparently “morbidly obese”, a line delivered by Couch with no apparent sense of irony. Has posted some of the best shit on this entire thread.


Mike Caviston
Director of Fitness at the Naval Special Warfare Centre. Recently posted a well-reasoned evaluation of @F’s suitability for the purposes of BUD/S preparation (see page 552 of this thread). Not surprisingly this went down poorly on the @F message boards.

BTU wrote:Anon beat me to it, but here you go anyway. This list is massively incomplete, 4 years and 555 pages is a fucking lot to remember! Feel free to add / correct as necessary.




Mrs Couch
AKA Lauren Glassman, Cooze

Fake-breasted cuckquean clinging desperately to Couch’s gin-stained but financially well-endowed coat-tails despite his flagrant alcohol-fuelled affairs with various cult vixens.

GoDogGo! wrote:What's an SME again?

And that's a beautiful post, BTW.

he is a novice weight lifter who thinks that he is better than everyone else but isnt even good at what he does.

T200 wrote:Also, I don't think the "andro" in Andro Friday means androgynous does it? If so I have been misunderstanding. I am under the impression it is for da androgenically enhanced bitches.