Your new joke...

[Fat Cat]

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

[Holy Cow]

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says 'Why the long face?'

The horse says, "I have terminal cancer."

[syaigh]

What did one raisin say to the other raisin?
Nothing, raisins can't talk.

[Thud]

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

[Gene]

Monica Lewinsky walked into the Dry Cleaners with some soiled garments. She took one out of her bag and held it up to the Proprietor.

"I'd like to have this stain removed from this blouse", she said.

Being hard of hearing he said to her, "Come again?"

"No", she said. "This time it's Ice Cream".

[Holy Cow]

Monica who?

[syaigh]

How do you catch a unique duck?

U-nique up on it.

[WildGorillaMan]

Woman goes to see the doctor for a breast exam.

After she's disrobed the doctor says "I'm going to have to numb them."

"Alright." She says. So the doctor sticks his face between them and yells

NUMNUMNUMNUM!

[seeahill]

BLONDE JOKE: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Shapecharge]

This one's for Kaz.

A midget walks into a biker bar and says, "give me a bottle of Bud." He drains it then asks the bartender, "who's the toughest man in here?" The bartender points to a huge guy playing pool, and says, "that'd be Spike. He just got out of jail and I wouldn't fuck with him." The midget walks over and prompty proceeds to stomp the ever lovin' shit out of Spike. As he's walking out he says, "I'll be back tomorrow." Same time the next day the midget walks in and says, "give me a bottle of Bud." He drains it and asks the bartender again, "who's the toughest man in here?" The bartender points to a huge muscled up guy standing at the other end of the bar and says, "that'd be T-Rex, an ex-professional boxer. I wouldn't go fuckin' with him...he killed a man in a boxing ring." The midget walks down to the end of the bar and prompty and efficiently beats the fucking dog shit out of T-Rex. As he's walking out he says to the bartender, "I'll be back tomorrow." "Well, that's just about enough of this shit," says the bartender and he calls his buddy Frank that works at the zoo. "Hey Frank, you still got that mean fucking gorilla that keeps tearing up shit? Bring that gorilla down here around 1:00 tomorrow." Frank shows up with this gigantic fucking gorilla and the bartender tells him to put him in the bathroom. At 1:00 in walks the midget and the bartender hands him a Bud. Without waiting further, the bartender tells the midget, there's someone in the bathroom he'd like to meet. The midget walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. Suddenly there's a godaweful racket, with screaming, yelling, and the sound of crashing blows carries throughout the bar. The bathroom door opens, and out walks the midget and says, "I'll be back tomorrow." "Oh, and when that nigger in the bathroom wakes up, tell him I threw his fur coat in the dumpster."

[Blaidd Drwg]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[Blaidd Drwg]

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

[Kazuya Mishima]

This one's for Kaz.

A midget walks into a biker bar and says, "give me a bottle of Bud." He drains it then asks the bartender, "who's the toughest man in here?" The bartender points to a huge guy playing pool, and says, "that'd be Spike. He just got out of jail and I wouldn't fuck with him." The midget walks over and prompty proceeds to stomp the ever lovin' shit out of Spike. As he's walking out he says, "I'll be back tomorrow." Same time the next day the midget walks in and says, "give me a bottle of Bud." He drains it and asks the bartender again, "who's the toughest man in here?" The bartender points to a huge muscled up guy standing at the other end of the bar and says, "that'd be T-Rex, an ex-professional boxer. I wouldn't go fuckin' with him...he killed a man in a boxing ring." The midget walks down to the end of the bar and prompty and efficiently beats the fucking dog shit out of T-Rex. As he's walking out he says to the bartender, "I'll be back tomorrow." "Well, that's just about enough of this shit," says the bartender and he calls his buddy Frank that works at the zoo. "Hey Frank, you still got that mean fucking gorilla that keeps tearing up shit? Bring that gorilla down here around 1:00 tomorrow." Frank shows up with this gigantic fucking gorilla and the bartender tells him to put him in the bathroom. At 1:00 in walks the midget and the bartender hands him a Bud. Without waiting further, the bartender tells the midget, there's someone in the bathroom he'd like to meet. The midget walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. Suddenly there's a godaweful racket, with screaming, yelling, and the sound of crashing blows carries throughout the bar. The bathroom door opens, and out walks the midget and says, "I'll be back tomorrow." "Oh, and when that nigger in the bathroom wakes up, tell him I threw his fur coat in the dumpster."

[climber511]

A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer
who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for
illegally grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me!" Pointing to the
badge on his chest he proudly says,* *"See this badge? This
badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No
questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old farmer nods politely, and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams for help and spies the
deputy running for his life! Close behind is the farmer's huge
breeder bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The
officer is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws
down his manure fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of
his lungs.....

**"Your badge! Show him your badge!"

[climber511]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

[tripp221]

What do a mexican and playing pool have in common??

The harder you hit them the more english you get out of them.

[KingSchmaltzBagelHour]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, "see that house across the street, I built that house. Think they call me Bill the house builder?"

He orders another beer. "See that boat out by the lake, I built that boat. Think they call Bill the boat builder?

He orders another beer. "See that dock the boats tied to? I built that dock. Think they call me Bill the dock builder? I build all this shit and no one gives a fuck....but suck one dick...."

[KingSchmaltzBagelHour]

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick in your ass.