IGX

I write and lecture on negotiation and mediation and have read a number of books in the area. These two dig into a much underappreciated area -- emotions in negotiation. Each is written by authors associated with the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate is interesting, but a bit too conceptual, strained, and artificial. They make the point that emotions are present, powerful, and hard to handle in any negotiation - business, work, friend, little league, or family. They advance five strategies for proactively addressing emotions:

-Express appreciation for what the other guy says or does. Good point. Negotiators often feel that they have to be hard asses. Everyone likes the other guy to take notice and pay a compliment.

-Build affiliation. This is the small talk- "you lift kettlebells, you're kidding, so do I..." or "I went to Michigan too, I was there in 78..." People like people like them. Negotiators can be friendly.

-Respect autonomy. Earn your own by consulting with others and being thoughtful. Gain respect by what you say and how you act, give the other guy his space to feel he's not being pushed into a decision. This gets a bit fuzzy for me -- it veers off into how you deal with a team of folks who should all buy in.

-Acknowlege status. Be respectful of roles. Find areas of status for everyone, what are they knowledgable about where you should pay deference, how to disagree even when the person is senior to you in expertise or judgment. This got a little fuzzy for me as it seems to apply only in limited situations.

-Choose a fulfilling role. Deals with the role one plays on a team or as an employee. Not really helpful for negotiation directly.

They discuss having a plan for dealing with negative emotions -- how to sense them, not trigger them, avoid their controlling you, calming yourself, calming others, and managing the situation when they get the best of the other side. Strategies are being able to step out of the situation mentally, taking a break, discussing the emotion and how its affecting the negotiation, and venting only to third parties or if you vent in the negotiation, make it purposeful and controlled.

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What matters Most is a great book dealing with the difficult conversations we have in negotiating in business, employment, family, etc.

Difficult conversation have three rivers flowing through them, and you need to sort them out. One is "what happened." The key here is to explore each other's stories and to avoid blame talk. Contribution to an effect is a fact discussion and involves learning; blame is a judgment. Resolution- or responsibility-talk can come later. You don't know a lot and have filled in a lot of blanks - be open to learning rather than assuming. Separate the impact on you from what you assume the other side's intent is. Learn the other side's story rather than argue about who's right.

Two is the feelings conversation. Emotions affect or even dominate difficult conversations. Recognize them, acknowledge them, and figure out how to move the conversation forward without triggering them - focus on the purpose of the conversation, on what you're trying to achieve .

Three is the identity conversation. This is a bit blurry, but the idea is that every difficult conversation triggers an identity issue - you're an idiot, I'm a failure, you're cruel, I'm careless, whatever. Understand the identity conversation, and do the best to keep yourself and the other side in balance. Know yourself well enough to know what identity issues are triggered in you and how. Negotiate with yourself to understand these and not let them get in the way of reaching your goal.

One tactic they discuss is the third-party story - think how a third party would see the two sides and describe them. Expressing this lets the other side know you understand them. The book also has a lot of good stuff on listening, though I've seen that covered well many other places.

This is really a great book for helping with marriage, kids, and business. High recommendation.

Mel Gibson's rant is an identity conversation IMO.

Difficult Conversations + How To Win Friends and Influence People are two must have books. Short...cheap...easily useful...quick payoff.