"I Am Adam Lanza's Monther"

[msr2112]

http://www.sfgate.com/newtownshooting/a ... 122492.php

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Newtown kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

"I can wear these pants," he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

"They are navy blue," I told him. "Your school's dress code says black or khaki pants only."

"They told me I could wear these," he insisted. "You're a stupid b---h. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!"

"You can't wear whatever pants you want to," I said, my tone affable, reasonable. "And you definitely cannot call me a stupid b---h. You're grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school."

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan--they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn't have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don't know what's wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He's been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he's in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He's in a good mood most of the time. But when he's not, watch out. And it's impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district's most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can't function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, "Look, Mom, I'm really sorry. Can I have video games back today?"

"No way," I told him. "You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly."

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. "Then I'm going to kill myself," he said. "I'm going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself."

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

"Where are you taking me?" he said, suddenly worried. "Where are we going?"

"You know where we are going," I replied.

"No! You can't do that to me! You're sending me to hell! You're sending me straight to hell!"

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. "Call the police," I said. "Hurry."

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn't escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I'm still stronger than he is, but I won't be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paper work --"Were there any difficulties with... at what age did your child... were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced ... does your child have..."

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You'll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying--that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, "I hate you. And I'm going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here."

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I've heard those promises for years. I don't believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, "What are your expectations for treatment?" I wrote, "I need help."

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza's mother. I am Dylan Klebold's and Eric Harris's mother. I am James Holmes's mother. I am Jared Loughner's mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho's mother. And these boys -- and their mothers -- need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it's easy to talk about guns. But it's time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son's social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. "If he's back in the system, they'll create a paper trail," he said. "That's the only way you're ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you've got charges."

I don't believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael's sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn't deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise--in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill -- Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation's largest treatment centers in 2011.

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken health care system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, "Something must be done."

I agree that something must be done. It's time for a meaningful, nationwide conversation about mental health. That's the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.

Author Liza Long's essay was originally published in The Blue Review, a journal of popular scholarship from Boise State University.

Read more: http://www.ctpost.com/local/article/Mom ... z2FMBcnTDi

[Fat Cat]

Speaking as a trained mental health professional, Michael needs to get his ass beat.

[Grandpa's Spells]

Speaking as a trained mental health professional, Michael needs to get his ass beat.

I laughed pretty hard at this, but what makes you say so?

[Kraj 2.0]

Speaking as a trained mental health professional, Michael needs to get his ass beat.

I laughed pretty hard at this, but what makes you say so?

Usually kids at that age try to see how much they can get away with. If when they push all that happens is a slap on the wrist, they become like this demonseed Michael. He needs a male role-model in his life who isn't going to hesitate beating the shit out of him when he acts up.

[vern]

Speaking as a trained mental health professional, Michael needs to get his ass beat.

Har!

[Fat Cat]

Speaking as a trained mental health professional, Michael needs to get his ass beat.

I laughed pretty hard at this, but what makes you say so?

Obviously, I am not familiar with the nuances of the case, but in my house growing up if I called my mom a bitch she would have been chipping my front teeth with her gold rings. The world is a harsh and unforgiving place, and people need to know it viscerally. Being a good parent is not about protecting your children from the cold and uncaring indifference of the world, it's about jumping them into it in manageable servings. A good parent teaches the hard lessons, not just the easy ones. When you act like "Michael" acted, you get sat the fuck down.

Children who grow up not having the experience of parents who spank you, older siblings that torment you, other kids that bully you, they become disassociated from reality and from the real consequences for unwarranted behavior. Having never suffered for their actions, they lose sight of the suffering their own actions can cause, and the natural and healthy fear of those consequences.

This is not a popular perspective, but it is the only one which I can in good conscience recommend.

Now these are generalities, so to return to the subject story, let me say this. The woman has come around to the fact that her child needs to be institutionalized to either learn the consequences of his behavior, or if he is incapable, to provide him with treatment while keeping everyone else (including his mother) safe.

No compromise.

[Beer Jew]

Fats, have you ever worked with anyone with Autism? Do you have any idea about the nuances of it? Seriously, it doesn't sound like it. And coming from someone who's spent a hell of a lot of time working either with or around autistic people, the above post is pretty fucking stupid and ill informed.

[Kenny X]

Speaking as a trained mental health professional, Michael needs to get his ass beat.

I laughed pretty hard at this, but what makes you say so?

Obviously, I am not familiar with the nuances of the case, but in my house growing up if I called my mom a bitch she would have been chipping my front teeth with her gold rings. The world is a harsh and unforgiving place, and people need to know it viscerally. Being a good parent is not about protecting your children from the cold and uncaring indifference of the world, it's about jumping them into it in manageable servings. A good parent teaches the hard lessons, not just the easy ones. When you act like "Michael" acted, you get sat the fuck down.

Or choked the fuck out ...

My issue with this is that that broad has two other kids, under the age of 10 who've been living under the tyranny of this Little Bastard Lord Fauntleroy. They have a pre-rehearsed "escape plan" for those times when this little asshole might snap. Really? REALLY!? Those poor, "normal" kids have so much unnecessary shit working against them ever growing up relatively happy and well-adjusted, it's scary.

But this is what happens, folks. When parents don't Harden The Fuck Up, look at themselves and their parenting objectively, and Do What Needs To Be Done. Fucking slaves to their precious little snowflakes.

I reiterate:

[Fat Cat]

I had an adopted sister who had severe autism, she is dead. A few thoughts:

1. Not everyone who is diagnosed with autism is autistic. There are enough problems with the diagnosis, which is entirely deduced from observations of behavior, that they have revamped the entire disorder classification under the forthcoming DSM-V.

2. The manipulative behavior described in the article is generally inconsistent with autism, and as the article points out, he has not been diagnosed with autism.

3. The rest of the world does not care whether you are autistic or not, if you are threatening people or engaging in dangerous behavior, the mechanism for it matters not.

4. I understand that I sound unsympathetic.

[Fat Cat]

C'mon you dumb fucking kike. School me.

[Kenny X]

My popcorn is getting cold and my rootbeer float is getting all melty...

[buckethead]

I'm most surprised that the author doesn't know who her son is

[Grandpa's Spells]

Obviously, I am not familiar with the nuances of the case, but in my house growing up if I called my mom a bitch she would have been chipping my front teeth with her gold rings. The world is a harsh and unforgiving place, and people need to know it viscerally. Being a good parent is not about protecting your children from the cold and uncaring indifference of the world, it's about jumping them into it in manageable servings. A good parent teaches the hard lessons, not just the easy ones. When you act like "Michael" acted, you get sat the fuck down.

I hear that. The trick is when the kid doesn't react normally to causality. Having seen a couple people fail to react to negative stimuli as they fell into mental illness, I wonder how well it might work with this one.

I had an adopted sister who had severe autism, she is dead.

Sorry to hear this.

[Fat Cat]

I hear that. The trick is when the kid doesn't react normally to causality. Having seen a couple people fail to react to negative stimuli as they fell into mental illness, I wonder how well it might work with this one.

Of course that's a possibility, but that it why I supported her move for institutionalization. My gut feeling based on the facts in the story, as evidenced by the manipulative behavior, is that he had a clear sense of cause and effect. But I would not profess to know.

[Kenny X]

I hear that. The trick is when the kid doesn't react normally to causality. Having seen a couple people fail to react to negative stimuli as they fell into mental illness, I wonder how well it might work with this one.

Of course that's a possibility, but that it why I supported her move for institutionalization. My gut feeling based on the facts in the story, as evidenced by the manipulative behavior, is that he had a clear sense of cause and effect. But I would not profess to know.

I don't raise kids. I raise pit bulls. For me, it's easy- if I have a dog that displays instability around people or children, vis-a-vis, behaving in a threatening manner toward them for no reason at all, or worse- biting them, the animal gets put down. No exceptions.

This kid has displayed aggressive behavior, repeatedly, toward his parents and siblings so much so that they've had to put special protocols in place, complete with escape plans for fuck's sake, and yet, he's still living under their roof! With his own room and access to electronics (assumably, a computer, video games, cellular phone, iPad, who knows what).

So we can't take fucked up kids out into the woods and shoot them. We can't take them to the doctor and have him give them the shot. But for Christ's sake why the hell hasn't he been committed?

Frankly I don't think he's the only one that's fucked up, in that household.

[Blaidd Drwg]

So we can't take fucked up kids out into the woods and shoot them. We can't take them to the doctor and have him give them the shot. But for Christ's sake why the hell hasn't he been committed?

Frankly I don't think he's the only one that's fucked up, in that household.

People are funny like that, I'm betting giving up on a child is not as easy as putting down a dog.*

*and honestly, I'm pretty bad at that as well.

[Spider Monkey]

Let me just be clear.I'm not saying that autism or Aspberger's does not exist. But some kids are just very strong-willed.

We had a child that was headstrong to the point of anti-social. She refused to follow rules, do her homework. She was manipulative, coercive, and quite frankly we worried that she was a sociopath that would wreak havoc on the world at some time or place.
It took every ounce of energy we had, and every dollar in our bank account to reign this child in. The limits were clearly defined and heartily enforced. Every single day was a battle. A battle. The cops were involved. We had to take it to the limit every single day. We had to make her accountable for every single action she took. It was exhausting.

End result. She, at 27, is a decent functioning member of society, with a great job and she is getting married in June. In fact she is awesome. You would love her. But she needed hard limits as a child and a teenager. We are so fortunate that we got good advice when we were raising her.

[Kenny X]

So we can't take fucked up kids out into the woods and shoot them. We can't take them to the doctor and have him give them the shot. But for Christ's sake why the hell hasn't he been committed?

Frankly I don't think he's the only one that's fucked up, in that household.

People are funny like that, I'm betting giving up on a child is not as easy as putting down a dog.*

*and honestly, I'm pretty bad at that as well.

I don't know... "funny" is right. My step-sister's mom had no trouble committing her (or her other daughter, for that matter). And I've known other parents who've done the same. Weird part was, in those cases I knew personally, the kid never deserved to be committed.

Honestly, though I sound harsh, I fail to see why a parent couldn't see the fucking forest for the trees, in a case where a kid was seriously fucking disturbed and in dire need of professional care, and say "Look, this sucks, but we can't give this kid what he or she needs, because we're not trained professionals. These folks here, at the institution are trained professionals, and it is better, for the sake of the kid, my spouse and his or her siblings, that I take the child there."

That's not giving up on anybody. It's serving the needs of the fucked up kid, and your family, the best way you can with the hand you've been dealt. It's being a good parent.

[Blaidd Drwg]

Thou has struck the nail on the head. Being a good parent is sometimes really uncomfortable.

[Holland Oates]

Thou has struck the nail on the head. Being a good parent is sometimes really uncomfortable.

yep

I've said before and it goes like this "being a dad means making hard decisions."

[Turdacious]

But for Christ's sake why the hell hasn't he been committed?

There are a lot of weird nonsensical gaps in the system that nobody likes.

[Holland Oates]

Didn't Reagan for cutting funding to mental health services.

[Kraj 2.0]

Where's the dad in all this? Seems like a lot of these psychos have absentee fathers. Coincidence?

[Holland Oates]

Where's the dad in all this? Seems like a lot of these psychos have absentee fathers. Coincidence?

No.

[Protobuilder]

No, it seems that a lot of these instances are single mothers raising kids.

However, I do believe that perhaps mental health treatment could mean something other than committing kids?