With anilingus currently in so many editorial spreads and on the tip of so many tongues, it bears noting that Mozart wrote a song about eating ass. Titled “Leck mich im Arsch,” which literally translates to “Lick me in the ass,” it’s the sort of song that might be referred to as a “bawdy ode” or a “ribald verse,” and consists almost solely of the repeated request that we all get real familiar with the business end of Mozart’s anus. The music is by lesser-known Czech composer Wenzel Trnka von Krzowitz, but the lyrics are pure Mozart: “Lick my ass nicely / lick it nice and clean,” the canon jauntily proposes. “Come on, just try it / And lick, lick, lick!” Nearly 300 years before Desi buried three-quarters of his face in Marnie’s ass on this season’s premiere of ”Girls,” Mozart was already foreshadowing our cultural embrace of anilingus, aka rimming, ass munching, salad tossing, and to bring things fully up-to-date, “eating cake.”
I learned something new today. How could I be 65 and not know people engage in such practices? Somehow I managed to finish the article without gagging but this is not for me. Maybe some of you have a more experienced and nuanced tone to discuss this topic.
35 years ago in a bookstore in Manhattan, Cindy my girlfriend showed me a sex manual with a description of a man coming on a woman's hair. I got so embarrassed I made her close the book. I wouldn't have refused her if she had asked directly for it (not in the store in front of the customers) but she never did. Maybe it would make a great shampoo or conditioner. There's probably a good business opportunity out there.
I was generally pretty good about giving my girlfriends what they wanted sexually but there are limits. I was taken aback when Cindy with a glee in her eye said she wanted me to like the smell of her farts. Did she want me to like her shit too? Was that only metaphorical or actually literal? We weren't together long enough for me to find out. I was 28 and she was 30 and I was the fifth guy she had lived with. After one particularly bad fight I blurted out, "Cindy you'll never get married you'll go from one guy to the next," which is exactly what happened. I guess she couldn't find anyone who could love her shit. She was very pretty and never lacked for boyfriends, but given the choice between being alone for the rest of her life
(she's been alone a long time) or being with most of you guys she made the right choice.
Another girl friend demanded I bite her breast. I wasn't sure if I'd leave a bloody mess on the carpet and have to rush her to the emergency room so I hesitantly said, "I don' think this is such a good idea." She was insistent so I gingerly sunk my teeth into that mound of flesh (maybe it was a pound of flesh). It wasn't hard enough for her and I upped the pressure gradually until my jaw ached and she had had enough. A year later she told me her breast hurt for months. She didn't blame me but she learned something important. Watch out what you ask for you might just get it.
After we were together for a while she demanded rough sex and although it didn't exactly thrill me (I wanted tantra) I consented and was told what every man supposedly wants to hear, "Lenny you're a fantastic lover." I didn't think I was at all and didn't enjoy it too much. She had fucked 35 guys and this was new to her. It made a real transformation in her appearance. People told her how beautiful she looked. Years later a therapist said if she had been with 35 men that made her an expert.
I've come to the conclusion that women's sexual experiences with me had very little or nothing to do with me. My first girl friend (she was 18 and I was 20 when we got together) never had one orgasm in the four years we were together. I blamed myself for being a terrible lover and even bought her a vibrator to no avail. Years later I learned that a quarter of young women can't come. Another girl friend had multiple orgasms - the supposed holy grail of sexual pleasure but maybe it's taken a back seat to anilingus.
I've never been put to a real test by a woman. Nobody ever asked for anilingus, bestiality, a three way with a guy, sadomasochism, or a mudshark which Frank Zappa talked and sang about so eloquently here.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci_2_mXSJ9Q[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFs5Y1hlN-I[/youtube]
if you listened to this you may as well hear the rest it's pretty funny
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DHHMuuluxA[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5RFzWUC5nM[/youtube]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlRW_uRiEIs
There's a lot I don't understand about life. I was 19 and got my first and only rectal exam. The pain was excruciating but I have a very low pain threshold. How anybody could like taking it up the ass is beyond me but we're all different. I once did it to a girlfriend that way who didn't complain but we both felt it was a little too weird and it was a one time experience. Doing it in a bathtub filled with hot water was a lot more fun but for some reason we only did it once. Life's not over. There are second chances.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WinsZdTm-a0[/youtube]
