IGX

Kazuya Mishima wrote:The flashback scene showing RZA as a runaway slave with the almost unrecognizable Pam Grier playing his mammy is unintentionally funny while almost grinding the film to a standstill.

baffled wrote:

Kazuya Mishima wrote:The flashback scene showing RZA as a runaway slave with the almost unrecognizable Pam Grier playing his mammy is unintentionally funny while almost grinding the film to a standstill.

Seriously, that scene when he was freed and then "The nigger killed a white man!" part was cringe worthy.

This is one of those movies that I can't help but turn to when it's on because, and I almost hate using this analogy so often these days, it's like watching a stroke in slow motion.

There's nothing you can do to help, you feel like shit for watching, but you're not turning away no matter how much you know you should.

Kazuya Mishima wrote:

baffled wrote:

Kazuya Mishima wrote:The flashback scene showing RZA as a runaway slave with the almost unrecognizable Pam Grier playing his mammy is unintentionally funny while almost grinding the film to a standstill.

Seriously, that scene when he was freed and then "The nigger killed a white man!" part was cringe worthy.

This is one of those movies that I can't help but turn to when it's on because, and I almost hate using this analogy so often these days, it's like watching a stroke in slow motion.

There's nothing you can do to help, you feel like shit for watching, but you're not turning away no matter how much you know you should.

I think we all have those bad movies that we still like to watch because it just kinda scratches a strange itch deep in our being. This one just won't become one of those movies for me.

Kazuya Mishima wrote:So, I finally got around to seeing this thing...god-fucking-damn-it.

Let's put it this way...what do you think would happen if some nigger who has never been to film school asks for $20 million so that he can go write and direct a fantasy kung fu movie in which he is the star? Well, if you can imagine how horribly wrong and fucked up that scenario can go then you can save yourself the trouble of watching this shit fest because that's exactly what happened.

Where to begin...let me start by saying that there is a WHOLE LOT of SHIT that is being passed through Hollywood with Quentin Tarantino's name attached to it. In fact, I'd say that the phrase "Quentin Tarantino presents" is just coded language for "Quentin used his clout to get another dogshit project greenlighted for production that should never have seen the light of day." Arguably, this is something that in concept could have really worked and been done right, but it was fucked from the very beginning because no one questioned the fact that this was directed by and starred by A FUCKING NIGGER THAT CAN'T DIRECT OR ACT.

You know you're really in trouble when the best performance is being put on by the guy that played fucking Ryu in 1994's 'Street Fighter'. Crowe was evidently praised by critics for his performance, but I didn't see it. In fact, the whole time I'm watching his bloated ass prance across the screen I'm thinking that this is the kind of shit paycheck work that Roger Moore had to do when he became too old to play James Bond. Crowe is too old and fat to play Gladiators or romantic leads, so I guess he's got to be the lecherous Englishman who eats the poontang of a semi-hot Asian hooker while she lays in a bathtub and uses his teeth to pull a string of beads out of her ass. I'm not shitting you...this happened...on screen.

The biggest flaw outside of the fact that they let RZA come within 500 miles of a movie set is that the movie gives you absolutely no one to cheer for. Each and every character is either a flawed asshole that you can't stand, or a nice guy that's not given enough screen time for the audience to learn anything about. The best part of the whole movie is when Dave Bautista uses a red hot broad sword to hack the dick beaters off of that sleepy eyed, chicken thief that wrote and directed this digitized turd. RZA may be the only director in the history of the world that could take a plainly gratuitous scene involving a bunch of Asian lovelies washing each other in a communal bath and somehow make it the most non-titillating and boring scene in the whole flick. I'm not shitting you...that really happened.

Hardcore kung fu movie fans will see some familiar memes and tropes. Bautista plays a character that is an homage to the old Shaw Brothers' "bronze men"...there is a late in the story character reveal that plays on the old Bak Mei/Pai Mei/Shaolin traitor character. Then there's just some stupid shit...that lantern jawed gook from the first 'Fast and Furious' movie plays X-BLADE...there's no indication as to why he's called X-BLADE since his weapons and armor don't look like the letter X...the only thing I can figure out is that X-BLADE sounds really cool to 14yo boys and that's exactly who this movie was written for.

The dialogue is groan inducing..."Your wounds are healing surprisingly quickly." The flashback scene showing RZA as a runaway slave with the almost unrecognizable Pam Grier playing his mammy is unintentionally funny while almost grinding the film to a standstill. What little action there is fails to save the day, and I found the choreography slow and uninspired. An early fight scene with Cung Le ripping a guy apart set a gruesome and impressive tone...and then the movie never really went back there. The entire soundtrack is predictable hip-hop, "nigga this, nigga that", monkey mumbling that sounds like stuff left in the waste bin from old Wu Tang projects.

I was right to have stayed away from this thing as long as I did, but I let weakness get the better of me and now I have two hours of my life that my eyeballs will never forgive me for.

protobuilder wrote:

Kazuya Mishima wrote:So, I finally got around to seeing this thing...god-fucking-damn-it.

Let's put it this way...what do you think would happen if some nigger who has never been to film school asks for $20 million so that he can go write and direct a fantasy kung fu movie in which he is the star? Well, if you can imagine how horribly wrong and fucked up that scenario can go then you can save yourself the trouble of watching this shit fest because that's exactly what happened.

Where to begin...let me start by saying that there is a WHOLE LOT of SHIT that is being passed through Hollywood with Quentin Tarantino's name attached to it. In fact, I'd say that the phrase "Quentin Tarantino presents" is just coded language for "Quentin used his clout to get another dogshit project greenlighted for production that should never have seen the light of day." Arguably, this is something that in concept could have really worked and been done right, but it was fucked from the very beginning because no one questioned the fact that this was directed by and starred by A FUCKING NIGGER THAT CAN'T DIRECT OR ACT.

You know you're really in trouble when the best performance is being put on by the guy that played fucking Ryu in 1994's 'Street Fighter'. Crowe was evidently praised by critics for his performance, but I didn't see it. In fact, the whole time I'm watching his bloated ass prance across the screen I'm thinking that this is the kind of shit paycheck work that Roger Moore had to do when he became too old to play James Bond. Crowe is too old and fat to play Gladiators or romantic leads, so I guess he's got to be the lecherous Englishman who eats the poontang of a semi-hot Asian hooker while she lays in a bathtub and uses his teeth to pull a string of beads out of her ass. I'm not shitting you...this happened...on screen.

The biggest flaw outside of the fact that they let RZA come within 500 miles of a movie set is that the movie gives you absolutely no one to cheer for. Each and every character is either a flawed asshole that you can't stand, or a nice guy that's not given enough screen time for the audience to learn anything about. The best part of the whole movie is when Dave Bautista uses a red hot broad sword to hack the dick beaters off of that sleepy eyed, chicken thief that wrote and directed this digitized turd. RZA may be the only director in the history of the world that could take a plainly gratuitous scene involving a bunch of Asian lovelies washing each other in a communal bath and somehow make it the most non-titillating and boring scene in the whole flick. I'm not shitting you...that really happened.

Hardcore kung fu movie fans will see some familiar memes and tropes. Bautista plays a character that is an homage to the old Shaw Brothers' "bronze men"...there is a late in the story character reveal that plays on the old Bak Mei/Pai Mei/Shaolin traitor character. Then there's just some stupid shit...that lantern jawed gook from the first 'Fast and Furious' movie plays X-BLADE...there's no indication as to why he's called X-BLADE since his weapons and armor don't look like the letter X...the only thing I can figure out is that X-BLADE sounds really cool to 14yo boys and that's exactly who this movie was written for.

The dialogue is groan inducing..."Your wounds are healing surprisingly quickly." The flashback scene showing RZA as a runaway slave with the almost unrecognizable Pam Grier playing his mammy is unintentionally funny while almost grinding the film to a standstill. What little action there is fails to save the day, and I found the choreography slow and uninspired. An early fight scene with Cung Le ripping a guy apart set a gruesome and impressive tone...and then the movie never really went back there. The entire soundtrack is predictable hip-hop, "nigga this, nigga that", monkey mumbling that sounds like stuff left in the waste bin from old Wu Tang projects.

I was right to have stayed away from this thing as long as I did, but I let weakness get the better of me and now I have two hours of my life that my eyeballs will never forgive me for.

tl;dr